How do we navigate this? That hole that feels so big and ready to swallow me up in a moment. It’s overwhelming on any given day if I allow it. 7 months ago he left us. As I try to piece together the few short weeks of his illness and how we got here, I find myself overwhelmed with this thing called grief. I have irrational fears that someone else I love will leave, and that I will forget him one day. Is that why I hold onto this feeling? So I don’t forget?
People say it will take time. Time heals all wounds, time will restore us. But I don’t believe that. I don’t believe this wound will ever be truly healed. I do believe I will learn to live in this world without the constant presence of tears ready to fall. I will laugh without feeling awkward about it. I will find some peace and serenity with all this. But will I actually fully heal? No. This changed me. I left one person and came home another. Now I have to learn to reconcile the two. Happiness does return.
I still see his face in my mind’s eye. I still hear his last words to me before he fell into that deep sleep. I still feel his presence when I am quiet. Are these the gifts he is giving me to calm my fears? A promise that I will never forget him? I promised him I would tell our story one day. I would tell the story of our last weeks together. One day I will.
I have gone through pain in my life, some of it intense and straggling. This is the worst pain so far. I miss my dad. I miss his voice, I miss his looks. I miss his hugs. I miss our talks. I am happy he is no longer suffering. My sadness is all for me. But I will learn to live with it in time. God is on my side, and so is my dad. I grieve because I had the gift of love.
